ST. HILARY, OREGON – A verdict has been reached in the unprecedented trial of Soundwave, the Decepticon communications officer and walking violation of the Oregon Revised Statutes.
After weeks of testimony, a jury found Soundwave liable for surreptitiously recording private conversations without consent, a felony under the state’s stringent wiretapping laws. The courtroom, a converted aircraft hangar necessary to accommodate the two-story-tall defendant, echoed with the hum of cooling fans as the verdict was read. Soundwave received the news stoically, standing in a reinforced dock that had been hurriedly welded together by the Army Corps of Engineers.
The "Micro" Cassette Defense
The case stemmed from a covert recording incident at the Autobot’s temporary Earth headquarters. Inconveniently for the defense, the base is located just outside Portland.
Prosecutors argued that Soundwave intercepted a confidential strategy meeting by hiding in plain sight. He utilized his signature ability to mass-shift from a 25-foot robot into a microcassette recorder, sitting innocuously on the conference table.
“The defendant acted as a rogue IoT device with a heavy weapons loadout,” argued Lead Prosecutor Alexis Colby. “He sat on that table, disguised as a piece of consumer electronics, and recorded a private meeting. In Oregon, you cannot do that unless everyone in the room says yes. It doesn't matter if you are a journalist or a Decepticon High Commander. You need a release form.”
The defense team attempted a creative, if desperate, argument. They claimed that because Soundwave is a tape deck, recording is an involuntary biological function. They further argued that the Autobots should have noticed the "tape deck" weighed four tons and had a Decepticon insignia on the eject button.
A Jurisdiction Nightmare
The trial was plagued by logistical nightmares. In a pre-trial hearing, the Judge ruled that sentient extraterrestrials interacting in U.S. society are bound by local state laws. This led to the surreal spectacle of a bailiff asking a giant robot to place his hand on a Bible. Soundwave, lacking a distinct hand when in cassette mode, simply ejected a tape labeled "StanBush-YGTT.mp3."
The most damaging testimony came from the plaintiff, Optimus Prime. The Autobot leader had to testify from the parking lot via a megaphone because he could not fit through the hangar doors.
“Freedom is the right of all sentient beings,” Prime boomed, setting off car alarms in three adjacent counties. “And that includes the freedom from unauthorized data capture. We were discussing sensitive energy procurement strategies. We did not consent to having our metadata harvested.”
The "Soundwave Superior" Incident
Soundwave’s own testimony was a public relations disaster. Refusing to speak verbally, he answered all cross-examination questions by replaying audio clips from previous conversations.
When asked if he understood the charges, Soundwave played a clip of a dial-up modem connecting to the internet. When asked if he felt remorse for violating the privacy of Oregon citizens, he played a snippet of his own voice saying, “Soundwave superior. Autobots inferior.”
“It came off as evasive,” said one juror, a local barista. “Also, he kept ejecting his minions, Laserbeak and Ravage, whenever the prosecution made a good point. It was very distracting.”
The Verdict: Compliance is Universal
The jury deliberated for only four hours before returning a guilty verdict on multiple counts of unlawful interception of oral communication.
The sentencing phase, however, presents a unique challenge. The state of Oregon has no prison capable of holding a Decepticon. Instead, the Judge issued a novel "governance decree." Soundwave has been ordered to pay damages calculated in Energon cubes and must submit to a "Data Retention Audit."
Per the court order, Soundwave must:
- Purge all recordings made within Oregon state lines between 1984 and the present.
- Wear a court-mandated "sandwich board" reading RECORDING IN PROGRESS whenever he enters a room in cassette mode, his one concession to transparency.
- Appoint a Data Privacy Officer to oversee his internal tape library.
Reactions have been mixed. The Decepticons blasted the trial as a “kangaroo court,” with Megatron issuing a statement via hacked radio signal calling the Judge "flesh-creature scum."
However, for corporate compliance officers watching from the sidelines, the lesson is clear. If you are going to collect data in a two-party consent state, you better get a signature. As Soundwave learned, ignorance of the law is no excuse, even if you are superior.
